chris-auman

From Reglar Wiglar: Zine Reviews

2012-02-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

ZINESTER'S GUIDE TO PORTLAND
(Microcosm)

Never been to Portland—not Portland, Oregon, not Portland, Maine. I have watched five episodes of Portlandia, however. Does that count? Didn’t think so. If I ever do make it to the City of Roses (Portland, OR), I will surely be taking this guide with me. The Zinester’s Guide to Portland was put together by zinesters, but you certainly don’t need to be a zinester to use it. It’s written for the “low/no budget” type of traveler, which is a category I fall into. Museums, thrift stores, record and book shops, restaurants, bakeries, video stores, pizza joints, watering holes, coffee and tea shops, parks and bridges are all listed, laid out by geographic location and neighborhood and explained. It’s a Portlandicopia of useful information complete with maps and illustrations. It really makes me want to jump on the next Empire Builder out of Chicago for a slice of Portland's Sizzle Pie pizza.

DWELLING PORTABLY #5
(Microcosm)

Dwelling Portably is a bit of a turducken of sorts: it’s a zine, stuffed within a zine, stuffed within a zine with reprints of other, similar publications reprinted within its pages. That makes for a jam-packed, endlessly informative guide for people who choose to live on the fringes of society. It also makes for some fascinating reading for city folks like myself who enjoy the escapism of thinking about this type of nomadic lifestyle. The text starts about an inch down from the top of the front cover and doesn’t stop until about an inch up from the bottom of the back cover. In between you’ll find foraging techniques, tips on gardening, shelter building, best natural remedies, best camping sites and all manner of information on how to live sustainably and completely off the grid.

Always read Reglar Wiglar!

From Reglar Wiglar: King-Cat #72 Review

2012-02-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

KING-CAT #72

John Porcellino (Spit & a Half)

Number 72 of King-Cat Comics and Stories finds John recovering from the end of his second marriage. There's a a move to Florida and a new relationship. There's the end of the new relationship which results in an eventual move to South Beloit, Illinois (population 8,401). This is where John currently resides in between his jaunts across the U.S. selling his wares at various small press and comics fests. As in past issues of KC, we get snapshots of John’s life in the form of comic strips and sketches taken from ideas and notes he jots down in his notebooks. There are some “South Beloit Journal” strips depicting life in a small town (doing laundry and watching basketball at his mom's, checking his e-mail at the library, etc.). There's the “King-Cat Top Forty” with recommendations on books, music, movies, towns and sports teams that give John and boost, and there are various and sundry anecdotes, stories and observations on bats, past drug experiences and life's little, seemingly mundane, moments that one can only hope will serve a purpose in retrospect—Chris Auman

Always read Reglar Wiglar!

From Reglar Wiglar: Simple History #9, The Congo

2012-01-27T10:13:00.000-08:00

THE CONGO

Simple History #9
J. Gerlach (Microcosm)

To quote the Daily Show’s Earth, The Book: “...no other continent could more truly say, I was raped.’” Talking of course about the continent of Africa. Pretty blunt, but there you have it. The area in central Africa known as the Congo is just one region, albeit a very large one, that was ripe for exploitation by European powers in the mad rush to secure the world's land and resources that started in the 16th Century. In the Congo's case, it was Belgium that took the lead, but they seemed to hardly have the heart for it. Control of the Congo was ceded and regained countless times as slave trading, foreign meddling and the indigenous peoples' inability to work out their own tribal differences and prejudices would plague them for decades to come. Congo's recent history is no less blood-free and has been mired in civil war and struggles with power-hungry dictators and staggering poverty. And that's a summation of J. Gerlach's simple history of a very complicated region of a very complicated continent. If I may again quote from Earth, "our species arose from Africa and we punished it for our failures ever since." Up next: Extreme climate change. Sorry again, Africa.

Always read Reglar Wiglar!

Zine Review: Simple History #4, Hawai'i

2012-01-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

HAWAI'I
Simple History #5
J. Gerlach (Microcosm)

Number five in Microcosm's Simple History Series chronicles the history of the Hawaiian Islands from their "discovery" by Caption Cook in 1778 to the eventual statehood granted by the United States in 1959. Hawaii's story is a tale of colonization, exploitation, imposed capitalism and governments and corporations slicing themselves up the biggest piece of the poi. It's a story of Kings, Queens, Politicians, Missionaries and, as always, ordinary People caught in the middle. And that, folks, is pretty much the history of everything everywhere. Unfortunately.

Hawai'i's history post 1959 would continue to have highs (the alleged birth of the 44th President of the United States) and lows (Honolulu's perpetual hosting of the National Football League's incredibly pointless Pro Bowl) and then of course there was Bobby Brady's "discovery" of an ancient tiki on September 22, 1972.

Always read Reglar Wiglar!

The Adventures of Jim Bob and Pencilneck

2012-01-26T09:10:00.000-08:00

Written by Bif LeBeau, the godfather of the Ridiculous Fiction movement, in the late 1980s before his mysterious disappearance, The Adventures of Jim Bob & Pencilneck chronicles the lives and misfortunes of two American kids growing up in the Heartland. The Reglar Wiglar will be running this exclusive serial in its entirety. Read the new chapter now!

New Reviews up on Reglar Wiglar!

2012-01-26T08:45:00.000-08:00

NEW REVIEWS!
Check out some of my recent reviews for the Reglar Wiglar blog!

MUSIC:
VERMILLION SANDS
ROBYN HITCHCOCK

ZINES:
SIMPLE HISTORY SERIES #4: THE SPANISH CIVIL WAR

Always read REGLAR WIGLAR!

Cassetty's Most Humiliating Moments!

2012-01-25T10:13:00.000-08:00

Cast among the detritus of the floor of an '86 Chevette.

The Barbie and Ken Three-Way of 1979.

The excruciating Terry Gross interview on Fresh Air, 2003.

The indie record store collectible cassette years of the late 90s.

Check out more Cassetty Comics:
Cassetty Takes Chicago
Cassetty Meets a CD

Thanks Dan Kiss!

Train Spotting in Ravenswood

2011-12-13T19:32:00.000-08:00

Ravenswood Manor, Thursday, December 1st, 2012

2011-12-08T12:40:00.000-08:00

Plane Hunting in Albany Park

2011-12-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

Albany Park lies directly under an incoming flight path for planes flying west over Lake Michigan into O'Hare. Stalking and shooting jets is relatively easy.

Like this one:

And this one:

And then there was this one:

This one almost got away. You can see it just to the right of the bus stop sign:

Here's another:

You can just barely see this one underneath the streetlight:

Chicago Lakefront Summer 2011

2011-11-29T21:36:00.000-08:00

KRUSH GROOVE, YOU BE ILLIN'

2011-11-17T10:49:00.000-08:00

Let me lay down a quick plot summary for you: It’s New York in the hip hop '80s and rap is just starting to gain some respect outside of the 'hood. This is evident by the sudden success of real-life rappers RUN-DMC, Kurtis Blow and Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde—all artists on the independent Krush Groove record label run by Russell Walker. Krush Groove doesn't have the cash to keep up with demand, so Russell has to borrow money from a "bad dude"; some douche from Galaxy Records has a hard-on for the acts on Walker's fledgling label and offers RUN a chance to get paid; RUN leaves Russ for the Galaxy deal; Russ gets a beat down from thugs sent by the loan shark; RUN likes Sheila E. who plays Prince-sounding purple soul but crosses over to rap—oh, and she likes Russ and Russ likes her and they "do it" in a really cheesy love scene with candles—and it’s all a big mess until it isn't anymore.

Sure, it's a bad movie. It's not well-written and the plot was tired 25 years ago when the movie came out, but it's still entertaining in a raploitation sort of way. Low lights include a performance by New Edition looking as ugly as they ever were and the acting is pretty bad across the board. Most characters play themselves and not terribly well. Russell Simmons was wise to take only a small role as a club promoter.

It's not all bad though, just mostly. Tolerable are The Fat Boys who manage to be somewhat charming in a comedic subplot that features an "all-you-can-eat" scene at an Sbarro's. The Beastie Boys get about a minute of camera time to perform "She's On It" and a teenaged LL Cool J. wows the boys at Krush Groove with an impromptu audition of "I Can't Live Without My Radio" after barging into their offices with his boombox.

And of course, it's all loosely based on the true life story of Rick Rubin's and Russell Simmons' Def Jam label. The high point of it all, however, is the final scene at Disco Fever where Rick Rubin can be seen DJing in the background while wearing a Hüsker Dü t-shirt which gives the entire film credibility in its final seconds.

Oh, That Crazy Chomps!

2011-08-05T14:27:00.000-07:00

Found this old comic I did, probably 1998-99 commemorating the late, great Chomps.

Soft Targets split 7" out now! Release show pending!

2011-07-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

Soft Targets have just released a split 7" with Chicago psych-garage rockers, The Mediums on my own RoosterCow label. Probably gonna be the last RoosterCow release for awhile. Long-time collaborator, Mike Dixon, did the artwork our side of the cover. It's a take-off on the Stones Made in the Shade comp. from the 70s. Our record release show (sand the vacationing Mediums) will be Friday, August 12, @ Memories Bar, 4348 N. Cicero. It's close to the Kennedy Expressway and the CTA Blue Line @ Montrose. Stop on by and I may even buy you a PBR, if you beg nicely.

Cassetty Takes Chicago

2011-05-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

2011-05-09T22:47:00.001-07:00

Old Hardcore Dudes

2011-03-02T09:27:00.001-08:00

Cassetty The Cassette Pet Meets A CD

2011-02-21T21:48:00.000-08:00

Meet Cassetty, The Cassette Pet

2011-02-21T10:24:00.000-08:00

Brown Line Kedzie Stop 2/2/11

2011-02-10T15:06:00.000-08:00

Blizzard of February 2, 2011

2011-02-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

Omen

2011-02-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

While Soft Targets were recording at Kris Poulin's studio on Saturday, January 22--the day before the Packers/Bears NFC Championship game--I saw this paint dripping on the floor by my distortion pedal. It gave me hope about the game the following day. False hope.

Battlestar Galactica Part 2

2011-01-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

January 2, 1979

Battlestar Galactica Part 1

2011-01-07T10:23:00.000-08:00

January 2, 1979

Attic Find: My First Magazine

2010-12-30T09:55:00.000-08:00

This is the first magazine I published, (probably in 1980) although it is not the first issue. I was heavily influenced by MAD Magazine at the time, but did not yet know of the existence of the other parody magazine Crazy. The guy hanging upside down in the upper right-hand corner was my version of Alfred E. Neuman. Seventy-five cents? What a rip!

Merry Christmas People Who Celebrate Christmas!

2010-12-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

I'd probably date this angel to around 1975-76.

Notebooks: Psycho Pad

2010-12-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

One night while waiting tables, I decided I wanted to see how many orders I could fit on a single page of a 3"x5" memo book. I kept it going for about a week. The result kinda looks the journal entries of a psychopath.

NEW Reglar Wiglar Cyber Edition 1.4 now on-line!

2010-12-16T08:45:00.000-08:00

Check out RW 1.4. This issue features interviews with Lamb of God bass player John Campbell; Philip K. Dick Scholar, David Gill; and graphic novelist and comic artist, Hans Rickheit. Plus the usual zine, comic, book and music reviews.

REGLAR WIGLAR 1.4

Monster Manual Part IV

2010-11-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

Final entry to my made up Monster Manual (1982)

TWO TAILED LION DRAGON

This dragon is a smaller version of a Red dragon exept (sic) for its tailS this dragon can always be found in a cave the dragon is somtimes (sic) called the or the cat dragon the dragon is almost extint (sic).

(click image for closer view)

Monster Manual Part III

2010-11-29T10:47:00.000-08:00

More of my made up Monster Manual (1982)

CAVE CRAB

The cave crab is a giant crab with a paralysing (sic) pinch. Because of filthy habbits the crab has numerous mosses and plants growing on it's (sic) back wich (sic) acts as camoflouge (sic) and enables the crab to counter an attack on an unwary party. The crab can be found in any sort of cave. Unlike most crabs the cave crab is desperatly (sic) afraid of water.

(click image for closer view)

Monster Manual Part II

2010-11-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

More of my made up Monster Manual (1982)

BARNAVOR

The barnavor is asort (sic) of giant rat that eats almost anything. It lives in warm wet places. It is a uniqe (sic) swimmer and when ever possible retreats from battle by way of water. It does not live in caves but makes nest On river strem (sic) or swamp banks.

(click image for closer view)

Happy Turkey Day!!!

2010-11-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

Monster Manual Part I

2010-11-23T15:45:00.000-08:00

So yeah, I played D&D in the 80s. I admit it, I was a Fantasy/Sci-fi nerd. I was down with the Lord of the Rings and all the wizard shit. Fighting my friends with sticks, pretending they were swords, all that. I didn't have the Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual or any of the Advanced D&D books, so I had to resort to making shit up, like the monster below. Dated 3/14/82. I was twelve.

ATFEUS

Atfeuses are big like Orges (sic) and travel in large numbers they are always ready to battle and love torchering (sic) they stop at nothing to start a battle they uasully florish (sic) above ground and are highly intelligent people. Few females are warriors and don't often travel with their mates.

(click image for closer view)

Boo!

2010-10-31T19:32:00.000-07:00

The above photo is from an Instant Prehistoric Animals band practice in '87 or '88, Max "Shudder" DeZutter probably snapped this pic although it was taken with my Dad's 35mm. It's one of my favorite band photos from that time. Dig the Fender Lead II restrung lefty. That guitar was stolen in 1991 during my 21st b-day bash. Things got a little out of control that night.

Happy Halloween!!!

2010-10-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

Planets!!!: Planet Saturnicus

2010-10-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

One Word Horoscopes

2010-10-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

SCORPIO

October 24-November 21

One Word Horoscope: Dominate.

One Word Horoscopes

2010-10-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

LIBRA

September 23-October 23

One Word Horoscope: Balance.

Planets!!: Planet Stupitor

2010-10-07T23:33:00.001-07:00

Planets!: Planet Oith

2010-10-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

The History of the Reglar Wiglar Part II

2010-10-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

The cover for the third issue of the Reglar Wiglar was this photo taken by my friend and one-time contributor Clyde "Wayne" Steele III. He went on a European vacation with his girlfriend that year and took pictures with a copy of the zine held up in front of various landmarks including Jim Morrison's grave and of course, the Eiffel Tower. This is the photo that photocopied best.

The cover for RW#4 was a photo of the billboard in front of RW Headquarters. (Yes, that shitty building in back of the Western Avenue overpass at Belmont Avenue was home to the Reglar Wiglar offices in 1995. Read my comic about it here). At the time Q101 was jumping hard on the alternative rock bandwagon. They had an ad campaign where they placed huge billboards all over the city saying "This is not for you" quoting a popular Pearl Jam tune of the day. Who exactly Q101 was "not for" was unclear as the billboards were quite ubiquitous to say the least. It was rather insulting and kinda funny. That's why instead of the Q101 logo, it says Reglar Wiglar on the billboard.

RW#6 was a cool black and white photo taken by Max "Shudder" DeZutter. That's not a lunar or Saharan desert dune that Old Glory is planted on, but a big old pile of salt that would soon be spread all over Chicago streets in an effort to melt snow and totally rust out your ride.

Froggy Went a Rafting II

2010-10-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

This is a maybe a better photo.

Froggy Went a Rafting II

Froggy Went a Rafting

2010-10-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I saw the strangest sight I'd ever seen. A tiny frog aboard a toothpick raft, traveling down a small stream that had been created by a recent rain storm. I took this picture as proof of what I'd witnessed.

Froggy Went A Rafting

The History of the Reglar Wiglar

2010-09-26T11:46:00.000-07:00

The Reglar Wiglar zine was published from 1993 to 2005. The idea for the Reglar Wiglar germinated at a bar in 1993 where co-founder Tom Ziegler and I were drinking one night. The zine's intent was satire, sarcasm, parody and snark. It was continued in the spirit of an underground college newspaper called Dissin' on the Groove, which I produced with my roommate Chris Till on the campus of DePaul University in 1989. The first two issues of the Reglar Wiglar were printed by a small print shop across the street from my Belmont Avenue apartment in Lakeview. I don't remember how much those two issues cost or how many copies we had printed, but they were pretty expensive. I was still a student, although now at Columbia College, and I was broke. So was Tom, who had to bail as co-publisher after those first two issues. I was not that smart and decided to go it alone as far as financing the operation.

I discovered that newsprint was cheaper and made the switch for the third issue where the Reglar Wiglar stayed for the next ten years, albeit with a thicker paper stock for a cover starting with issue number eleven In the beginning, every band interview was completely concocted, as were the most of the music reviews—and the entire staff come to think of it. Around issue eleven, however, I started contacting real bands and eventually a few comic artists. I also started receiving tons of free music for review (most of it watered-down, derivative and truly awful punk rock) as well as a slight increase in advertising.

At this point, things began to slowly snowball into a very small snowball and eventually I was able to get distribution deals with Desert Moon and Tower Magazines (a division of Tower Records). In the early '00s however, things started changing pretty quickly. With the collapse of many distributors (including the two listed above), the evaporation of much of the magazine market, combined with an increase in the cost of paper and postage, many zines ceased publishing, as I did in 2005.

Geometric Conflagration Configurations (GCC)

2010-09-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

Pretty (shitty) Flyer

2010-09-20T17:22:00.000-07:00

Soft Targets Above the Arctic Circle

2010-09-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

Soft Targets fourth full-length record, Above the Arctic Circle is scheduled for an October 5th release on RoosterCow Records. To celebrate this historic event, we are playing a show at The Mutiny (2824 N. Western Ave, ChIll) on November 11th. Phantom Works and The Sentinels will be playing with us and this will be a FREE show. There will also be FREE copies of the new CD available (while supplies last--this is a limited edition run of 300 copies) and FREE stuff from our back catalog will be available and maybe some buttons and stuff.

So think about that.

By George!

2010-09-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

I was going through some boxes in my parents' attic and I came upon this relic that I would date somewhere around '81 or '82. Apparently I was an unabashed Culture Club fan when I was in 6th Grade.

One Word Horoscopes

2010-08-24T21:39:00.000-07:00

VIRGO

August 23-September 22

One Word Horoscope: Wait

One Word Horoscopes

2010-08-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

LEO

July 23-August 22

One Word Horoscope: Control

The Adventures of Jim Bob & Pencilneck

2010-07-21T10:05:00.001-07:00

Written by Bif LeBeau, the godfather of the Ridiculous Fiction movement, in the late 1980s before his mysterious disappearance, The Adventures of Jim Bob & Pencilneck chronicles the lives and misfortunes of two American kids growing up in the Heartland. The Reglar Wiglar will be running this exclusive serial in its entirety. Read Chapter Two now.

New Soft Targets album...

2010-07-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

is almost finished. It just needs to be mastered at this point. This ten song full-length (Above the Arctic Circle) is our fourth record in four years and we're pretty pleased with it at this point. As with all Soft Targets releases you'll be able to buy it through RoosterCow.com or CDBaby and it will also be available through iTunes, BUT, this is getting a little ahead of the game. We're looking at a fall release so more info will be available as it becomes available to me.

NEW Reglar Wiglar Cyber Edition 1.3 now on-line!

2010-06-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

Check out the new on-line issues featuring some interviews I conducted with UK comics artist, Simon Gane; Colo-RAD-o rockers, Dinero; and actor and stand-up comic (and former roommate) Matt Champagne.

REGLAR WIGLAR 1.3

One Word Horoscopes

2010-06-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

CANCER

June 21-July 22

One Word Horoscope: Invest.

The Terror of the Blank Page!

2010-06-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

Brain Melt

2010-05-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

FALL 1990

Have you ever felt your brain melt? I have. Just like butter in a hot skillet. Felt it bubble and ooze right down. Felt my brain explode one day too. That suckd. Big, big BANG. My brain's imploded before too. Sort of collapsed in on itself. Sort of a black hole-type thing, I would imagine. Brain deflated once, last winter. It must have gotten punctured or something. Air shot out my ears so hard, blew two holes in my hat. Couldn't figure that one out. That same winter my brain froze, hurt like a bitch thawing that sucker out. Brains are funny things, especially my brain.

One Word Horoscopes

2010-05-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

GEMINI

May 21-June 21

One Word Horoscope: Chill.

Ridiculous Fiction: Death Fungus III

2010-05-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

It seemed at first that DF II would rule iron-fisted as did its predecessor DF I, showing little sympathy for the less fortunate of Universal Organisms, especially ones not blessed with the intelligence DF II itself possessed. It was rumored in most galaxies that not even the small group of heroic fiend hasslers could prove a match to such as ruthless mass of collective fungi. This may have been true, for the small group of heroic fiend hasslers had been in a state of perpetual celebration of their victory over DF II and as a consequence, were seldom sober. Despite their nonstop debauchery, they had managed to launch a fairly successful marketing campaign angling off the historic DF II victory. Together with various fast food franchises, the fiend hasslers cashed in on t-shirts, movie rights, soft drinks and a line of luxurious yet affordable automobiles. The tennis shoe line did not catch on however. Death Fungus Sneakers was not the most appealing of names, nor was the smell that the shoes emitted when bodily excretions mixed with the newly developed space-aged polymer the shoes were manufactured with.

The fiend hasslers themselves, about twelve in all, now operated under the name of Fiend Hasslers Inc.™, and in the opinion of most, had lost their edge. They were generally thought to be tired old hacks whose recent attempt at putting together a political party had failed miserably in the pre-preliminary primaries. They were, in short, to be pitied. The creation of Death Fungus II and the destruction of Earth brought the tiniest shimmer of hope to the otherwise drab lives of the Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™ This was another God-given chance for the group to jump start their careers. After all sequels sell, as do prequels.

The only foreseeable problem was that DF II was one bad mofo who did not like to get hassled and was one mean hombre when it did. The other problem was that the new and improved DF II was no bigger than your thumbnail (humanoid races only) and not especially visible in diffused light.And what is the universe after all, but a whole lot of diffused light?

It was a young Martian of some Earthen descent (he was Italian on his mother's side) who decided that the whole problem with Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™ was that they were poorly managed. These guys are fiend hasslers not businessmen was Micky "The Martian" Battaglia's main contention with the group. He offered to manage the Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™ for a forty percent cut in all merchandising profits stemming from what he promised to be the unquestionable defeat of DF II in what would be perhaps the greatest fight in the history of Pro Hassling.

DF II had other plans, and was picked up by Exploding Sun Management Group who had been responsible for the George Foremen XC vs. XXync Mnxxc bout back in the late 3070's. That fight grossed over five trillion clams in ad revenue alone not to mention beer sales at the arena.

Promoters met with promoters and lawyers met with lawyers and the men and women of Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™ waited in nervous anticipation of their big comeback. A date was set as were all bets and the majority of the cable subscribing universe laid their money down on Death Fungus II, which was no big surprise to anybody really.

Realizing, perhaps a little too late, that all conceivable odds were against them did little to settle the unsettled nerves of the Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™. It did in fact give most of them ulcers of galactic proportions.

Oblivious to the feelings of the Fiend Hasslers, Inc. the advertisers mercilessly aired commercials featuring the not completely unattractive Death Fungus II, who took to endorsements like a Zxcyn takes to space sludge. The shameless self promotion of DF II on Universal Television may have lost him a lot of respect in the Hassling world, but it certainly did little to belittle the confidence most organisms had in him. One look at the young mushroom and the observer could tell he was ready to kick some booty.

On the day of the big fight it rained meteors all day in most parts of Galaxy 7, home of the biggest indoor arena in the Entire Universe, which contrary to its less than modest name, is not the biggest arena in the universe, indoor or outdoor. In fact, it doesn't even rank in the top ten, but that was the last thing on the peoples' minds the day of the big DF II fight.

The fight was to begin at 8:00 PM Eastern Standard, but by six o'clock the place was packed to full capacity. Beer was selling like hot cakes. Unfortunately the hot cakes weren't selling that well. In fact, they weren't selling at all due to the fact that they hadn't been re-invented yet

By the time the fight announcer grabbed the ring microphone, all spectators were pretty much drunk and belligerent and the outlook did not look good for crowd control. An oversight was made on behalf of the Arena Management Team and only two security guards were hired for the night, both of whom, like most organisms who had to work that night, called in sick. They had done so, like everyone else, to sneak off and watch the fight at the arena, not realizing that they could have watched the greatest fight in universal history, not only for free, but they would have gotten paid for it. Knowing this information leads one to believe that the place probably would not have been that secure in their hands anyway.

The rest is just conjecture and speculation but most people believe the whole fight was rigged from the get-go. Death Fungus II lasted approximately three minutes before he was brought to the canvas by one of the most obvious and unenthusiastic left hooks anybody had seen in awhile. Rumor has it that, unbeknownst to the Fiend Hasslers, Inc.™, DF II had taken a tidy sum of three thousand tons of fresh dung (a mint for a mushroom of DF II's appetite) from Micky "The Martian" Battaglia's boss, Willy "The Sphincter" Turano, to take a dive right there in front of billions of viewers on Intergalactic TV and screw the advertisers.

God was of course pissed and is currently working on another sequel at the expense of Jupiter.

Ridiculous Fiction: Death Fungus II

2010-05-22T14:29:00.003-07:00

The Death Fungus ruled the Earth for millions of years, until 1989 when it was finally defeated by a group of heroic fiend hasslers, who destroyed the killer mushroom after thirty-four hours of melee combat. God pondered on what he would do now that the Death Fungus had been obliterated by the small group of Heroic Fiend Hasslers. Ultimately, he decided to create a beast more terribly terrifying than the Death Fungus, more outrageously outrageous, more dangerously dangerous, more menacingly menacing. God would create . . . Death Fungus II. The earth caught fire and was hurled into oblivion never to be seen or heard from again.

Ridiculous Fiction: Death Fungus I

2010-05-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

In the beginning God created Earth. It took him several days but on the eighth day, God created Death Fungus and it was naaaasty!

One Word Horoscopes

2010-05-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

TAURUS

April 20-May 20

One Word Horoscope: Stay.

You're Funny

2010-05-18T15:21:00.000-07:00

You’re pretty funny
Not funny “ha ha”
But funny
Not funny like queer
Not queer like gay
Not gay like happy
Not happy like stupid
Not stupid like fresh
Not fresh like dope
Not dope like smack
Not smack like hit
Not hit like gold
Not gold like rich
Not rich like cake
Not cake like easy
Not easy like pie
Not pi like the circumference of a circle
Not a circle like the bringing of closure
Not closure like you’re shutting a window
Not window like this opportunity knocking
Not like knocking on wood
Not like knocking on doors
Not like knocking heads together
Not like your knees are knocking ‘cause you’re scared

You’re just funny

The Ironic Mustache of Wicker Park

2010-05-10T10:38:00.001-07:00

I think I know how it started
Whilst shaving
Creative Facial Hair Games are over
The goatee must be gotten gone
But wait--
Wouldn't it be funny?
A Hitler 'stache? A Chaplin?
Why not leave the whole thing on?
Wouldn't that be funny?
What would people think?
They wouldn't know what to think
And that's how we'll fool them.

But what about the ladies?
Will they get it?
Do they want 1982 all over again?
All over them?
Perhaps they'll wonder, as the t-shirt advertises,
Are Mustache Rides really five cents?

And what about our history?
Our fathers have been wearing mustaches for decades if not centuries
Aren't we just becoming them?
Aren't we just becoming who we really are?
Grow that mustache young hipster
Defy convention by conforming to it
Be as punk as Selleck, as cool as Kotter
Be who you are. Be yourselves!

"Too much mustache in the monitor!" someone shouted to the bass player at the Hot Snakes show
How prescient was that? How right on?

You're Tabloid News

2010-05-08T10:03:00.001-07:00

If your word is stone
Then my word is a chisel
If you're meat, then I'm bone
If you're already gone, then I'm already home
You're tabloid news, I'm a poem

I Got More

2010-05-08T10:00:00.001-07:00

I got more money in my bank
I got more gas in my tank
I got more steak in my flank
I got more pull in my rank
I got more fifty in my cent
I got more control in my rent
I got more pup in my tent
I got more exhaust in my vent
I got more ring to my tone
I got more bare to my bone
I got more danger in my zone
I got more shark in my loan
I got more cell in my stem
I got more Stimpy in my Ren
I got more mustard on my bread
I got more needle on my thread
I got more hot on my wings
I got more wild in my flings
I got more mood on my swings
I got more silly in my strings
I got more crime in my century
I got more blood in my history
I got more Greek in my tragedy
I got more fear in my factory
I got more bad in my apple
More juice in my Snapple
More grip in my grapple
More Paige in my Satchel
More flim in my flam
More god in my damn
More skin in my flint
More short in my stint
More spam in my box
More sly in my fox
More Hanoi in my rocks
More tube in my socks
More swain in my cox
More ship in my docks
More geese in my flocks
More tail in my ox
More hard in my knocks
More build in my blocks

I just got more

The Adventures of Jim Bob & Pencilneck

2010-05-06T08:20:00.001-07:00

Dinosaurs Stalking Green Van

2010-03-01T10:09:00.000-08:00

Dollar Store Cowboys & Indians: Square Off!

2010-03-01T10:07:00.001-08:00

Dollar Store Cowboys & Indians: Dance Off!

2010-03-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

Dinosaur Attack Caught on Film! UPDATE

2010-02-24T00:21:00.000-08:00

Oh snap! Not a real dinosaur. My bad.

Fall LEeaves

2010-02-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

Sssnakes!!! starring in "Steven, you're drunk!"

2010-02-22T13:17:00.000-08:00

With apologies to Winston Churchill.

Dinosaur Attack Caught on Film!

2010-02-21T21:14:00.000-08:00

These incredible photographs were smuggled out of an army barracks in complete defiance of a direct order from top commanders in the military. They document the escape of an unidentified prehistoric reptile from the late Jurassic period. It is believed that this animal was grown from a single cell extracted from frozen flesh found in the Mountains of Portugal. Amazing.

It is not known whether any soldiers were hurt or if any injury was inflicted upon this amphibious reptile. The U.S. government has denied any involvement in this incident even though these are clearly American G.I.s depicted in the photographs.

2010-02-16T09:16:00.000-08:00

Originally published in Reglar Wiglar #8, 1997

Joey Pescarro

2010-02-16T09:04:00.000-08:00

Originally published in Reglar Wiglar #7, 1996

The Gig!

2010-02-15T10:56:00.000-08:00

Originally published in Reglar Wiglar #6, 1995